Fighting Fair
Abstracted from 'Marriage Central', this is a very good article.... must-read for all husband and wife.
Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. That’s just the truth. Wired differently; you can almost expect that wives and husbands relate, connect and fight at diametrically opposite ends. Every couple will experience conflict but it doesn’t have to be destructive to warrant a breakup.
In fact, a manageable dose of squabbles can actually heighten awareness of what is important in a marriage that’s worth fighting for. Conflict taken from a positive point can rejuvenate a placid marriage that is barely thriving. Hence, the key to a good marriage is to know how to fight fair and make the relationship work for rather than against each other.
The Silent Treatment - the barbed wired fence.
In the daily grind of life, there’s bound to be moments of dissatisfaction and distress in a partnership. Left untended, such negative emotions will produce toxic fumes that can suffocate when least expected.
Tom gawked in shock as his demure wife morphed into this raging drama-queen. All he had said at dinner time was that the food tasted weird. If he could rewind the scene a few hours back; he would have witnessed Sue fighting heavy traffic all the way home from a frazzled day at work and trying to redeem the day with a home cooked meal for her beloved. She personalized his comment as yet another insensitive attack at her inadequacies whilst Tom was merely stating a nondescript fact.
Fight or flight? An emotionally spent wife can be a dangerous thing. She is all ready to pounce on the unsuspecting spouse especially when a perceived offence is high on her list. Her strategy is to confront and fight it out whilst the husband feels mortified by the tirade, retreats and finally takes flight.
Disarming explosive situations takes skills. More often, the offended party will pout, sulk or sink into a wall of retaliating silence. Setting up a barbed wired fence to signal that you are hurt and all ready to even out the score is not a solution. It only prolongs the antagonistic mood and intensifies the pain of hurt. Difficult as it can be, the wounded pride must be dealt out in the open. Get talking, stop blaming, and clarify your stance. Above all, dose the whole situation with loads of compassion and grace. It’s a time and tested method guarantee to diffuse all raging outbursts.
Spit and Spat-
The tongue happens to be a mighty weapon. Unpredictable and unbridled, it can spout both loving affirmations and spew carnage of venom at every instance. How does one inoculate the heart from hurting slurs? Try chanting this humorous mantra “I’m rubber and you’re the glue; whatever you hurl at me bounces off and sticks to you!” for a brief respite! Otherwise take the less traveled route of non-retaliation and cut the agitation by taking this list of proverbial wisdom to heart:
A gentle answer turns away wrath - Weed out the sarcasm and the tit-for-tat response. Focus instead on what is the trigger behind this tirade. Address the irritation behind the offense rather than the emotions attached to it. Here’s when rational logic triumphs over reckless words that pierce like a sword.
A man of knowledge uses words with restraint and a man of understanding is even- tempered – It is possible to turn the fire of wrath into ambers of intimacy if a husband lovingly process wounded pride by extending understanding love. “I love my wife even though…” is a good reminder of why you’d married her in the first place.
A cheerful heart is a good medicine but a crushed spirit dries the bones - The most damaging fault to a failing marriage is often a critical spirit that demeans a spouse. Affirm more than you criticize and avoid shooting poison arrows just to prove that you call the shots!
Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry- Stewing over a pot of miscommunication can cause toxic built-up. Never take your quarrel for the day into your bed at night. It’s a kill joy and a great disservice to your marriage.
Cathartic Exhale - the Art of Forgiveness
Dr Archibald Hart once said “Forgiveness is giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.” It is only when we’ve truly given up the right to retaliate that we have truly forgiven. Emotional deadlocks can be unlocked when one spouse takes the courage to extend that olive branch.
“I am sorry to have caused you such pain even though my intentions were right but my action was ridiculously inappropriate.” Being clued in to affirming your spouse’s needs for affection but totally tuned out on love expressions can be a hazard when you occasionally miss the mark with each other. Again, look to the offense and not the offender. He may be obtuse as a person but in all likelihood, he’d never wished for that comment to wound.
Once we are committed to let go of our hurts; the healing touches set in to patch the cracks up. Forgiveness opens the door to staying in love for a lifetime.
Two shall become One – Preserving and Strengthening
Fighting fair and staying in love are crucial for a healthy couple relationship. It ensures that they truly value their marriage enough to fight for its survival. Choosing to work on differences by agreeing to embrace unconditional love is a true hallmark of liberating and selfless love. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences and still proclaim to the very end - “You are the love of my life- for better or for worse.”
Mrs Chong Cheh Hoon
Senior Vice President - Content
Certified counsellor with Focus on the Family Singapore
